Queer Eye for the Evil Dark Lord kindof Guy
by Banana Sensation
Summary: Written in two parts: Voldemort encounters three high school boys. Rated R for language, sexual content, violence, and perhaps even some drug references...but all done humorously.
1. Default Chapter

It was growing late in the day, and the great Lord Voldemort stared out at the crescent moon from where he was standing in the forest. He was alone, and he had recently started to feel the sadness that loneliness brought to him. His mind traveled to memories of his first boyfriend. He could feel his ding-a-ling start to harden just at the image of the boy's face. It had been so long since he had felt that love... Oh, what's a gay Dark Lord to do?

"Yo, I'm totally stoned right now," said Rico in a mellowed-out tone. "I mean, whoa, what's with the trees?"

"We're in a forest, dumbass." said Jamimah.

"Yo, I'm Dirty Dave, and I OWN this forest! Get me my elephant, bitch!"

"I think you need to settle down, you dirty fool." replied Jamimah.

The three boys had been traveling from one side of the forest to other for a total of three days now. It was a long trek, filled with crazy hijinks involving animal feces. At the front of the procession was a lion with a leather mask on its head, and a whip at its side, ready for action. Atop this lion sat Rico, who enjoyed that kind of thing. He was often stoned and rarely knew what was going on. Next came Jamimah, the most level-headed of the group. He walked, although a slight limp from an accident that never actually occurred made him slower than his friends. Last in line was Dirty Dave, who rode on top of a great elephant he imported from India. That elephant was his BFF.

"Yo, just as a reminder, we're all gay, right?" asked Rico.

"For special purposes, we are for the next 25 minutes." replied Dirty Dave.

"Yo, just checking. Cause I'm Riiico...Suaveeee."

Shortly after this conversation took place, the three boys and Voldemort stumbled upon each other. Since none of the boys had seen any humans except for themselves, they were eager to stop and talk.

Voldemort eyed them closely. That Jamimah was a cutie, he must work out. Rico sure was suave, and oh! There's something to be said for a man on an elephant. That long trunk, rawr!

The four had been talking, but Dirty Dave fell asleep. No one bothered to wake him. And this is what he dreamt:

There was a woman with an apron, standing in front of an oven. The window in the kitchen let in a nice, natural light, illuminating the room beautifully. Armed with a pair of mitts, the woman reached in and pulled out a fresh-baked apple pie. A man wearing an extremely tight shirt walked to her, kissed her cheek, and proceeded to eat the pie straight out off the pan, without using his hands.

The doorbell rang, and on the outside was a married couple. The woman had red hair, and the man had curly brown hair. They were welcomed into the house graciously. Out of nowhere, the man hit the woman, and started jumping around the room. "WHOO! I'm P. Diddy! I'm P. Diddy! I'm P. Diddy!"

Dirty Dave woke with a start. "I just had the craziest dream you guys. I don't know what it meant, but I know I want to take off my pants!"

Voldemort smiled at the boy's comment. "Why yes. Please, do take them off."

In no time at all, clothing lay in a heap, and everyone was naked.

"Yo, where'd my clothes go???" questioned Rico. "This is nuts!"

"You're damn right this is nuts. Now spread those nuts!" squealed Voldy. You could plainly tell his metal wingwang was enjoying itself.

The next few moments were a blur. A mass of bodies were on top of each other, and penises flew into the air. Until...one of them stopped breathing.

"Oh hell no." said Jamimah. "That old man died."

"Dude, this sucks." replied Dirty Dave. "I don't want his obituary to say 'Cause of death: too much dirrrrrtyness'."

A couple minutes later, the body stirred. "Oh, don't worry. I'm back. I'm sorry, that happens sometimes."

And so the boys continued, until... "Jesus, not again!"


	2. Chapter 2

Hey do the "mouse" yeah

Hey you can DO IT in your house yeah,

On the rug or on the wall,

If your folks get bugged do it in the hall

Do the "mouse" yeah

Let's do the "mouse"

As Horhay rode atop his manly elephant his brain soared with thoughts of lust. SUCH a sexy elephante. Mmmm mmmm. Ahh, but no I jest! His thoughts were not of the elephant's long "trunk". Of course not! Why would he be thinking of the elephante when he had already made passionate elephant love to him earlier that day!? I know what you're thinking. How the hell would I know? Well let me tell YOU.I was there. Oh…oh I was. Listen closely my children and you will hear the tale………..

Horhay had been traveling abroad, more recently in Botswana. His love for husky elephant's drew him to Africa you see. He led an average life; a neurosurgeon by day…by dusk….a lady of the night. Life was stressful for poor Horhay. Prostituting wasn't all it was cracked up to be! And pleasing those elephants?! NOT an easy task. Horhay soon grew weary of his large male companions and set out in search of some new customers. Some who were easier on the merchandise. Horhay traveled to Belgium where he became a cheese connoisseur. He enjoyed the cheese, but longed for his past life. His dark life…his DIRTY life. Less than two months after settling in Belgium he began to search for some new customers. Within a week Horhay had found an abundance of customers who he seduced with the finest wines and then brought back to his one roomed apartment atop the 'Scooter Store'. Sometimes the old men and women downstairs were distracting, but Horhay managed.

"I'm here to embrace the vibration!" A man called from behind Horhay's closed door.

Horhay practically jumped for joy! This was his favorite customer! Horhay opened the door in a revealing silk nightie and kissed the man passionately. This mans name was Napoleon. Napoleon was a stout fellow of about 700 years old. His head was as bald as your moms and his glasses were as thick as hell. Long hairs protruded from his wrinkly ears. Napoleon wore a plaid kilt, boots, and a shirt that read, 'I da ho? No YOU da ho!'. What a sight! What a sight! Oh but what a beautiful sight it was to Horhay. The night was shall we say…eventful.

The young limber buck awoke the next morning feeling rejuvenated. His business of pleasure had gone well with Napoleon. He heard a knock at the door, quickly threw on a bathrobe, and went to answer it.

"Telegram for Horhay Jomamma!" Said a handsome fellow.

Horhay purred deeply at him and groped the letter with force. He read it aloud to himself. It read….

Dear Horhay,

You're the beef in my Wellington. Come on down and show me a good time. Oh how a drool when I see you! Meet me at Hogwarts tomorrow at nine pm or else BITCH.

Love Your Orgasmic Admirer

Horhay hopped the next beaver to Hogwarts…

Tito quickly put the fajita on his plate and sat down at the table.

"Tiiiiiito!"

"What is it grandpappy?"

An elderly man with a peg leg emerged from the next room and itched his armpit.

"Did I ever tell you the time I was in Nam with those Korean prostitutes?"

Tito sighed as he got up to go into the kitchen.

"Yes grandpappy you told me that story, but last time you were in Nam with Alsacian prostitutes."

"No dagnabit! Korean I tell ya! They were Korean!"

"Sure grandpappy." Tito said as he came out of the kitchen carrying a bottle of pills.

"So one day I was listenin' to Bob Dylan on the radio and then all of a sudden my whole camp blew up! So I says to myself I sa…"

Tito interrupted him.

"Is that how you lost your leg?"

"Hell no you stupid moron! I lost that back in '42 during my weekend excursion to Bosnia. A couple of hyenas got a BIT too frisky if you know what I mean. I couldn't get the damn things off of my leg! I was sitting out there in the damn cold for ten days! No food, no water, no condoms. So finally I said the hell with it and you know what I did?"

"No what did you do?"

"I chopped it off! Knee and all!"

"With what?"

"A plastic hip."

Tito winced as he handed the old man the bottle of pills.

"Drink this pappy it'll take the pain in your elbow away."

"Don't need no medications boy! I'm as fit as a fiddle!"

"Pappy! Take it!"

"Oh fine fine!"

Grandpapster took his pill and fell asleep in the chair.

Tito only shook his head. This was NOT the life he wanted to lead! Life was hard enough without this stupid old geezer around. Enough was enough. He needed grandpappy killed.

He let out a wince as he began walking over to the telephone. His leg hurt again. Tito had a permanent limp. He couldn't remember how he got it. His grandpappy had once told him that he had gotten it when he was 15 years old and had romped around in Nam with New Zealand prostitutes, but he doubted that. He brushed aside the pain and took out the phonebook. He stopped under the 'M' section. M for murderers of course! He stopped his finger on the name Voldemort. That name sounded very familiar to him…. Tito picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello you've reach the home of me." A sultry voice said on the other line.

"I need you to do me a deed." Tito whispered into the phone.

"Ooooo a deed! A…naughty one?"

"Purrr senorita I guess you could say that. I need you to kill my grandpappy."

"Hmmmm sounds intriguing. But of course you'll have to do me something in return."

"Anything! I'll do anything!"

"Do me a dirty deed. Do it or else."

"A dirty deed? What kind of dirty deed?"

"Oh the ULTIMATE dirty deed." Voldemort replied.

"Whatever it is I'll do it!" Tito exclaimed.

"Very well. Hogwarts. Tomorrow at nine pm. Be there or I'll chop off your metal wingwang."

Tito gasped, promised to be there or be square, and then hung up the phone.

"Tiiiiito! Have you seen my Viagra?!" Grandpappy yelled from the table.

Oh Tito couldn't wait to get rid of this ugly old man; his walker and all.


End file.
